A huge thing happened last week...
Last week, a 15-year-old student brought a gun into our school and killed himself in the bathroom.
Last week, my sense of safety in school was shattered. There was a gun in the school and as a result, someone is dead.
Last week, many of my students had to deal with death- and suicide- up close and personal.
Last week, I sat in a group counseling session with my colleagues- my friends- and we shared our feelings about the suicide. While I was not involved in the incident whatsoever, I learned that several of my colleagues were quite involved.
The last adult to speak to the victim. Just a casual, "Hello" in the hallway.
Holding up a sheet of plywood to block students' view of the bathroom as the paramedics removed the victim.
Hearing the gun shot from the computer lab that the student walked right by on the way to the bathroom.
The first person to enter the bathroom and find the student.
Bringing medical supplies to help administer care until the paramedics arrived
And others...
I cried for my friends...for my students...for the family of this kid...and for the kid himself. How could anything be that bad? Why didn't he feel like he could ask for help? His actions caused so much sadness and fear in our community. Why? WHY?
Then I felt angry. Angry that the actions of one person could have such a wide-ranging impact on so many people. Angry at how incredibly insensitive the media can be. Angry that some people feel that they have the right to criticize our school and our administration...I'm not sure anyone knows exactly how horrific that day must have been for them. It's just not fair that we are having to deal with this.
You know what other things aren't fair?
That this boy lost himself in his depression.
That his parents lost their youngest son, that his siblings lost their little brother.
That our students lost a friend, a teammate, one of them.
That our administration has to defend their actions to the public, some of who claim we didn't handle the situation appropriately.
And finally, it's not fair that in a couple of weeks, a lot of people will be back to relative normal. I wonder now what "normal" even is.
I don't understand suicide, and likely never will. None of it seems fair.
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7 comments:
I am so sorry for all the students, staff, faculty, and administration at MMU. I feel so for the family of the victim.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Oh, I have been thinking of you all non-stop. It's just something I can't get out of my head. My heart goes out to his family and anyone that knew him.
I fully agree - none of it makes any sense & I can't imagine that it ever will, either.
I'm sorry you've all had to go through this horrible, tragic ordeal.
My heart goes out to the young boys family, friends & teachers. It also goes out to the boy himself. To be so upset that you'd actually be willing to take your own life is a feeling I've never experienced. It's all so very hard to even comprehend.
And I think what's worse is that there will always be so many unanswered questions regarding this tragedy. Why did he kill himself? Why did he kill himself while AT school, in an empty bathroom? What was going through his mind? Was he trying to make a point?
Unanswered questions are part of life, I guess.
Funny, Sandy, I had been thinking/wondering about exactly those details - who saw him last, who heard the shot, who found him and how, how did they handle getting him out, etc = sort of guessing it would be, of course, the teachers at MMU and trying to imagine the impact that would have on a teaching body. Anyway, the whole thing is just plain sad, for everyone, anyway you look at it.
What a terrible tragedy to loose a young life. My thought and prayers are with you and the community of MMU. xo laura
Sandy,I feel so bad for all of the students, teachers, and Connor's family. The memorial was at my church, and our new minister did a good job discussing how we all feel quilty, angry, and sad, and all say "What if's?" There were many students, and the church was packed. Students had a chance to speak, downstairs, and there was a slide show of Conor. It must have been comforting for the family to see so many kids and families, and for kids to express their grief and memories. Terry Ranney played his bagpipe, in the beginning of the service. I still don't understand why he took his life, but our minister really stressed moving forward, and keep talking to kids, and help each other. I know that you teachers do that every day!!
It is such a sad thing. My immediate thoughts were of his parents and I couldn't even dare to imagine being in their position. My heart goes out to the family and to everyone at the school who has been affected. I'm sure "normal" will never be that same again.
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